It's A Beautiful Pizza
SE 33rd and Belmont in Portland, OR
January 5th 2009
General Information: It's been around as long as I have been in Portland, though at some point in the last 10 years it moved across the street from its old location. Tells you how long its been since I've been here. Across the river. East side of town.
The Story: The LAST stop on Frank and my slice hopping adventure. We arrived at about 7:00. Drove over the bridge Belmont and parked right outside of the joint.
-The Pizza-
1 Slice Of Pepperoni (each)
Crust-
Crust was good, but not great. Your common type of pizza crust, but a tad better. Thin as fuck under the toppings, but nice and crisp. If I get this crust quality anywhere, I can't complain about it, just a tad above average. The second best of the slice hopping. (Ray) Very average crust, but not awful. Not great either. Probably the weakest link of the pie.
Sauce-
The sauce was GOOOOOD. I couldn't SEE it on my pizza, but I could FEEL it. It kind of reminds me of getting a BJ through a glory hole, something I have never and will never do. Though eating this pizza isn't as mysterious or risky as a BJ through a glory hole. I was impressed. It really brought the flavor but didn't hurt the flavor of the rest of the pizza. (Ray) Nothing out of the ordinary or above and beyond, but quality. Tasted good... Plenty on it.
Toppings-
The pepperoni covered almost every square inch of the slice. There was only a little bit of cheese visible around the topping. Fantastic. The best pepperoni we'd had that evening. Cooked well, tasted great and there was plenty of it. Like hot drunk slut from the University of Arizona. (Ray) If it had been from ASU, it would have been better... Obviously. The quality of the pepperoni was very average...not good, not bad.
Cheese-
Fuck the cheese was good. By FAR the best cheese of the night. It was stringy and flavorful and best of all, STILL MELTED and looked fantastic. There was also the correct amount of cheese. It was a standard mozz, but just QUALITY! Why can't other places that serve pizza by the slice have cheese that looks like this? (Ray) Best cheese of the night. The pizza had been in the heater for a long time, but the cheese seemed fresh. Wasn't OUTSTANDING cheese like that of NYC Pizza in Vancouver, but it was quality and great for a change from the previous joints of the night.
Overall taste-
SHIT YES! A great flavor all around. Nothing really stood out as ruining the flavor of the pizza. I would probably have shit my drawers if the crust from Tribute's was on this pizza. Fully enjoyable in every way. (Ray) The quick BJ at the end of the day. You didn't get your best O, but you drained either way.
Value-
At $3.00 a slice, not only was it the cheapest slice we had this evening, but it was also the best tasting and by far the biggest slice. FANTASTIC value. I will return again and again. In fact, I enjoyed it so much, I'm thinking about going again right as I'm typing this. (Ray) EASILY the best value of the night.
-Beer-
On tap-
Great selection of regional and local micros and imports. Tremendous beers. I had a Ninkasi Believer. A double red ale that at first when it was still cold it was a bit bitter, but as it warmed I enjoyed it more and more until it became one of the more satisfying beers I've had in a long time. The beer was a tad steep at $4.00 (Ray) Expensive beers. Stick to the pizza and water and you'll be happy with the trip.
Bottled-
Large selection including domestics as well as more imports and local micro's. Fantastic selection of beers to try with your pizza. Great selection, like the tapped, but not affordable.
-Atmosphere-
Location-
This area of Belmont is fantastic. It's in a street side shop near some other fine establishments. It's easy to find, convenient for most folks and parking on the street is free and was well available right at the busiest hour of the evening. (Ray)
Exterior Atmosphere-
Not much to look at on the outside. It was fairly boring, glass windows, but it had a very nice sign above the sidewalk to make it easy to see. (Ray) Extremely dull outside, and perhaps not representative of the pizza on the inside.
Interior Atmosphere-
The look of this place reminds me of any hippie run pizza joint, Grateful dead shit everywhere, tie dye etc. I don't know how else to describe it, but that isn't what makes it so great. There is something for everybody. The tables are big enough and spread far enough apart to allow room for comfort. The music, while your standard hippie far is turned down far enough so that Frank and I could have a conversation without raising our voices. We were able to sit back, relax and have a conversation while occasionally shooting our gaze toward the two TV's playing the Blazer's game. A truly rewarding experience, as simple as it was. (Ray) Very open room, lots of space, quiet music, good pizza smell.
Service-
The guy that served us was quick, friendly and didn't act like a jackass. You can't ask for much more than that. (Ray) Bearded as FUCK.
-Review Notes-
Overall one of the best pizza experiences I've had, and certainly the absolute "By The Slice" pizza experience I've ever had. They have made a repeat customer out of me. NOT ONLY THAT, but they provide a Gluten Free option too, if you order a 12 inch version of their pie. Fantastic that they would accommodate those who have an unfortunate dietary disease. (Ray) Good. Not the best pizza I've had by any means. But a SOLID slice option.
-OVERALL RATING-
9/10. A great pizza in just about every way. A slightly better crust still wouldn't push this to the top, because that is practically unachievable. (Ray) 7/10 for overall pizza. If there was a slice only option it would be 8/10.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Rocco's 1/5/10
Rocco's
Across Burnside from the entry to Powell's City of Books.
January 5th 2009
General Information: Rocco's is a Portland staple for a quick slice when you visit Powell's. Includes a bar separated from the main pizza joint.
The Story: The third stop on Frank and my slice hopping adventure. We drove from where we parked on 23rd. Found parking easy, but had to pay since it was 5:50. Meters stop at 7:00. Burnside no-turns are gayer than Richard Simmon's ass-lice.
-The Pizza-
1 Slice Of Pepperoni (each)
Crust-
Just boring as softcore porn. Had that flower dryness. It was thick, but not good thick. Like a chick with a big fucking belly instead of big fucking titties. (Ray) VERY floury. Extremely bland. A hard outer shell and a dry inner crust.
Sauce-
The most average of average sauces. There was PLENTY of it, which was great. I could actually taste it, which was a nice change from the last two places we visited. It was a bit on the pasty side, and didn't have a unique flavor. Just think Ragu or the sauce from any college cafeteria. (Ray) Lots of sauce, which was GREAT to have around...but the quality wasn't there. Lots of tomato paste, not as much seasoning.
Toppings-
The pepperoni was of decent quality and had a good flavor. There was a decent amount on but not enough to be fully satisfied. Rule of thumb: If there is more cheese showing that toppings on any pizza except a cheese pizza, there aren't enough toppings. (Ray) Very average Peps. Nothing out of the ordinary, nothing terrible. It really matched the overall pizza.
Cheese-
Plenty of bland cheese. It was nice that there was a decent amount of cheese, but the quality of the cheese was just average. It became a single solid hardened mass from sitting in the heater. It was so average I have absolutely nothing else to say. (Ray) This had the room-temp cheese texture, but this was because of the age of the slice, not the shit quality, like that of Escape from a Jesus' Anus.
Overall taste-
Fucking AVERAGE. Like the chicks you work with every day, would bang if there was absolutely NOTHING else to do, but wouldn't pursue, she'd have to make the first move. Yes, EXACTLY like that. (Ray) Epitome of average. Not very unique...
Value-
$3.25 for a slice, Most of the slices were bigger than the fucking small ass slice I got. Shitty. Not worth a return visit unless I'm at Powell's and have NOTHING else to do. (Ray) The slices were bigger here, for the same price, compared to the last two places. I had a slightly smaller slice, and the girl deducted the price a bit for me, without my asking. I was pleased.
-Beer-
On tap-
I don't recall. I recall a list, which I assumed was on tap, but it could have been both. Pretty decent beer selection. Good domestics like PBR as well as micros and imports. Maybe Frank paid more attention. (Ray) EXTREMELY Fucking CHEAP PBR! I think it was 5.25 or 5.75 for a pitcher? Fuck Great.
Bottled-
See above (Ray) ?
-Atmosphere-
Location-
Fantastic central location in Portland just across the intersection from Powell's on Burnside. Easy to find as it sort of sticks out next to the enormous interactive dick. (Ray) Great location.
Exterior Atmosphere-
Very cool place. Has art all around it, is in a corner triangular shaped building on an intersection that demands it. It's just very unique and very urban. I like it. In fact it is the best thing about the place. (Ray) It's true.. the best thing about the place, besides the cheap PBR.
Interior Atmosphere-
Kinda of hodge podge in a way. Nothing is consistent, just thrown together. Unique and urban for sure. Also the music was too fucking loud, however it was cool. Cool, but DIRTY AS A CRACK WHORE HOOKERS CUNT! (Ray) Music was awful. Extremely awful. Kind of a "punkish" look to everything, including the employees.
Service-
Just kind of there. The girl who served us was pleasant enough. In my personal experience I feel like I should have saved $.25. Though I'm not complaining really. (Ray) Ray's just pissed that I got a discount. Great service.
-Review Notes-
Just an average pizza in a cool location and building. Worth a trip if you're at Powell's, but don't let the uniqueness of the way it looks fool you. The pizza is simply average. Nothing more, nothing less. (Ray) Average to the CORE.
-OVERALL RATING-
5/10. Average (Ray) 5/10
Across Burnside from the entry to Powell's City of Books.
January 5th 2009
General Information: Rocco's is a Portland staple for a quick slice when you visit Powell's. Includes a bar separated from the main pizza joint.
The Story: The third stop on Frank and my slice hopping adventure. We drove from where we parked on 23rd. Found parking easy, but had to pay since it was 5:50. Meters stop at 7:00. Burnside no-turns are gayer than Richard Simmon's ass-lice.
-The Pizza-
1 Slice Of Pepperoni (each)
Crust-
Just boring as softcore porn. Had that flower dryness. It was thick, but not good thick. Like a chick with a big fucking belly instead of big fucking titties. (Ray) VERY floury. Extremely bland. A hard outer shell and a dry inner crust.
Sauce-
The most average of average sauces. There was PLENTY of it, which was great. I could actually taste it, which was a nice change from the last two places we visited. It was a bit on the pasty side, and didn't have a unique flavor. Just think Ragu or the sauce from any college cafeteria. (Ray) Lots of sauce, which was GREAT to have around...but the quality wasn't there. Lots of tomato paste, not as much seasoning.
Toppings-
The pepperoni was of decent quality and had a good flavor. There was a decent amount on but not enough to be fully satisfied. Rule of thumb: If there is more cheese showing that toppings on any pizza except a cheese pizza, there aren't enough toppings. (Ray) Very average Peps. Nothing out of the ordinary, nothing terrible. It really matched the overall pizza.
Cheese-
Plenty of bland cheese. It was nice that there was a decent amount of cheese, but the quality of the cheese was just average. It became a single solid hardened mass from sitting in the heater. It was so average I have absolutely nothing else to say. (Ray) This had the room-temp cheese texture, but this was because of the age of the slice, not the shit quality, like that of Escape from a Jesus' Anus.
Overall taste-
Fucking AVERAGE. Like the chicks you work with every day, would bang if there was absolutely NOTHING else to do, but wouldn't pursue, she'd have to make the first move. Yes, EXACTLY like that. (Ray) Epitome of average. Not very unique...
Value-
$3.25 for a slice, Most of the slices were bigger than the fucking small ass slice I got. Shitty. Not worth a return visit unless I'm at Powell's and have NOTHING else to do. (Ray) The slices were bigger here, for the same price, compared to the last two places. I had a slightly smaller slice, and the girl deducted the price a bit for me, without my asking. I was pleased.
-Beer-
On tap-
I don't recall. I recall a list, which I assumed was on tap, but it could have been both. Pretty decent beer selection. Good domestics like PBR as well as micros and imports. Maybe Frank paid more attention. (Ray) EXTREMELY Fucking CHEAP PBR! I think it was 5.25 or 5.75 for a pitcher? Fuck Great.
Bottled-
See above (Ray) ?
-Atmosphere-
Location-
Fantastic central location in Portland just across the intersection from Powell's on Burnside. Easy to find as it sort of sticks out next to the enormous interactive dick. (Ray) Great location.
Exterior Atmosphere-
Very cool place. Has art all around it, is in a corner triangular shaped building on an intersection that demands it. It's just very unique and very urban. I like it. In fact it is the best thing about the place. (Ray) It's true.. the best thing about the place, besides the cheap PBR.
Interior Atmosphere-
Kinda of hodge podge in a way. Nothing is consistent, just thrown together. Unique and urban for sure. Also the music was too fucking loud, however it was cool. Cool, but DIRTY AS A CRACK WHORE HOOKERS CUNT! (Ray) Music was awful. Extremely awful. Kind of a "punkish" look to everything, including the employees.
Service-
Just kind of there. The girl who served us was pleasant enough. In my personal experience I feel like I should have saved $.25. Though I'm not complaining really. (Ray) Ray's just pissed that I got a discount. Great service.
-Review Notes-
Just an average pizza in a cool location and building. Worth a trip if you're at Powell's, but don't let the uniqueness of the way it looks fool you. The pizza is simply average. Nothing more, nothing less. (Ray) Average to the CORE.
-OVERALL RATING-
5/10. Average (Ray) 5/10
Tribute's 1/5/10
Tribute's
Just North of escape from New York on a side street just east of 23rd.
January 5th 2009
General Information: A small street side joint on a dark side street just on the edge of the 23rd Ave Shopping Area. A very short walk from Escape from Cuntsville.
The Story: The second stop on Frank and my slice hopping adventure. We walked from Escape From New York to Tribute's. The walk took just 2 minutes. We trudged. Extremely disappointed from the Escape. I was pissed my 3+ bucks were gone.
-The Pizza-
1 Slice Of Pepperoni (each)
Crust-
HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS CRUST IS MAGNIFICENT! As crust goes, it does NOT get much better than crust at Tribute's. It's a light fluffy, but very thin crust with a golden brown color to it. I can't really describe it with any words except "FUCK FUCKING YES!!!". I shit as I ate this pizza, not because the pizza was good, but because the crust was so good. (Ray) Slightly crispy crust, but a soft inside. Reminiscent of the texture of a tempura batter on the outside. Very solid. Who am I kidding... I wanted to fuck this crust.
Sauce-
This is by far the most disappointing thing about the pizza at Tribute's. Not because the sauce is bad, because it isn't. In fact it's great. There just isn't any fucking SAUCE on the pizza. They went through the trouble of making a fantastic sauce only to put hardly any on their pizza. I had 2 bites that had enough sauce to taste it and it was great. Really tasty and unique. Unlike any pizza sauce I've had but still true to pizza sauce. It was even a bit spicy. too bad there were only two bites with any sauce, both of which had no cheese or pepperoni. (Ray) The amount was equivalent to Escape from your Grandmother's Insides. The taste seemed to be good...I commented on how I wish I could have a side of the sauce to dip my penis into. Needed MOREEEE.
Toppings-
Good quality Pepperoni, but it was a bit light, but it covered far more of the pizza than neighboring Escape From New York. I was pleased with the flavor, though the pepperoni seemed a bit stiff in that I couldn't bite through it all the way. Still, a quality topping and it was tasty. (Ray) Good flavored Pepperoni. The texture was FAR from magnificent. Had to grab on to each pepperoni to tear it with my teeth. I think this technique is required... unless you read Twilight while sharpening your teeth on daily basis.
Cheese-
Barely any cheese on the pizza. They had another pizzas in their case that looked to be absolutely loaded with cheese. why did they insist on being pussy about how much cheese was on the pepperoni only. Not that I could have tasted the sauce if there were anymore, but there were bites that were almost JUST bread, which was disappointing. Not much cheese, and really not quality cheese. Better than Escape from The Black Holocaust, but not quality.
Overall taste-
I shit about the crust. It was fantastic. The sauce was WAY lacking, but when I did taste it it was great. The problem is, basically it was bread and pepperoni. The crust again was great, and greatly made up for everything else being subpar in quality, quantity or execution. Try this shit JUST for the crust. Worth it. (Ray) This pizza would probably have been VERY quality if: A shit load more sauce added, a shit load more cheese added (better quality too please... fuck), and completely switching out the pepperoni for something a bit more tender. Potential was there, but didn't deliver. Crust was great... It was like a nasty chick with a beautiful ass.
Value-
$3.25 for a slice, which seems overpriced for the size of the slice. It was a bit small. It was worth a return visit as next time I'll order a side of their sauce, because it was fucking good. Average. Not a bargain. Not expensive. If you're in the area it might be worth it.
-Beer-
On tap-
They had a few, but I had trouble seeing what they had because of the shit on top of the display and that it was not facing toward me. I wasn't too worried, because the prices were twice as high as Escape From New York, so I decided to say "Fuck It" to getting a beer at Tribute's. I drank the shit out of water.
Bottled-
I don't recall bottled beer. Perhaps Frank does (Ray) I recall drinking three glasses of water.
-Atmosphere-
Location-
In a cool area of town but in a difficult to find location. It's the kind of place you'd be looking for some drugs or a pay for a fuck. It's worth looking for though, for that amazing crust. (Ray) What Ray said...but with a dirty cunt joke added.
Exterior Atmosphere-
Just a street joint, back alley type, just glass windows and a lit up huge fucking sign (no doubt to draw attention from people walking on 23rd). Nothing too fancy but not shit either. (Ray) Looked classier than Escape from your Dad's Abuse. They advertised their sandwiches out front... I don't pay for sandwiches, I demand them.
Interior Atmosphere-
Nothing great, but clean and neat. Big enough. Had some bar sitting (which Frank and I chose to enjoy) as well as small tables, which didn't look quite big enough to be comfortable for a long stay. Still, not bad. (Ray) Darker, a bit classier atmosphere than Escape from a Mexican Gangbang.
Service-
Good looking chick at the counter offered us friendly and quick service. I have nothing to complain about. She was hot too. Certainly easy on the eyes, but eager to perform her job without the horseshit we experienced at Escape From New York. (Ray) Eager to perform her job............
-Review Notes-
After Escape I was worried about this place. It turned out to not only be better, but worth a return visit. Overall the pizza needs MORE cheese and sauce, at which point I'd have thought it was incredible, but due to that it's dryer than it needs to be and blander than it needs to be. (Ray) Eager to perform her job............................
-OVERALL RATING-
6/10. With more sauce and more cheese I could give this place an 8 or higher without question. The crust was among the best I've had. (Ray) 6/10. Needed some improvements, but has a good base.
Just North of escape from New York on a side street just east of 23rd.
January 5th 2009
General Information: A small street side joint on a dark side street just on the edge of the 23rd Ave Shopping Area. A very short walk from Escape from Cuntsville.
The Story: The second stop on Frank and my slice hopping adventure. We walked from Escape From New York to Tribute's. The walk took just 2 minutes. We trudged. Extremely disappointed from the Escape. I was pissed my 3+ bucks were gone.
-The Pizza-
1 Slice Of Pepperoni (each)
Crust-
HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS CRUST IS MAGNIFICENT! As crust goes, it does NOT get much better than crust at Tribute's. It's a light fluffy, but very thin crust with a golden brown color to it. I can't really describe it with any words except "FUCK FUCKING YES!!!". I shit as I ate this pizza, not because the pizza was good, but because the crust was so good. (Ray) Slightly crispy crust, but a soft inside. Reminiscent of the texture of a tempura batter on the outside. Very solid. Who am I kidding... I wanted to fuck this crust.
Sauce-
This is by far the most disappointing thing about the pizza at Tribute's. Not because the sauce is bad, because it isn't. In fact it's great. There just isn't any fucking SAUCE on the pizza. They went through the trouble of making a fantastic sauce only to put hardly any on their pizza. I had 2 bites that had enough sauce to taste it and it was great. Really tasty and unique. Unlike any pizza sauce I've had but still true to pizza sauce. It was even a bit spicy. too bad there were only two bites with any sauce, both of which had no cheese or pepperoni. (Ray) The amount was equivalent to Escape from your Grandmother's Insides. The taste seemed to be good...I commented on how I wish I could have a side of the sauce to dip my penis into. Needed MOREEEE.
Toppings-
Good quality Pepperoni, but it was a bit light, but it covered far more of the pizza than neighboring Escape From New York. I was pleased with the flavor, though the pepperoni seemed a bit stiff in that I couldn't bite through it all the way. Still, a quality topping and it was tasty. (Ray) Good flavored Pepperoni. The texture was FAR from magnificent. Had to grab on to each pepperoni to tear it with my teeth. I think this technique is required... unless you read Twilight while sharpening your teeth on daily basis.
Cheese-
Barely any cheese on the pizza. They had another pizzas in their case that looked to be absolutely loaded with cheese. why did they insist on being pussy about how much cheese was on the pepperoni only. Not that I could have tasted the sauce if there were anymore, but there were bites that were almost JUST bread, which was disappointing. Not much cheese, and really not quality cheese. Better than Escape from The Black Holocaust, but not quality.
Overall taste-
I shit about the crust. It was fantastic. The sauce was WAY lacking, but when I did taste it it was great. The problem is, basically it was bread and pepperoni. The crust again was great, and greatly made up for everything else being subpar in quality, quantity or execution. Try this shit JUST for the crust. Worth it. (Ray) This pizza would probably have been VERY quality if: A shit load more sauce added, a shit load more cheese added (better quality too please... fuck), and completely switching out the pepperoni for something a bit more tender. Potential was there, but didn't deliver. Crust was great... It was like a nasty chick with a beautiful ass.
Value-
$3.25 for a slice, which seems overpriced for the size of the slice. It was a bit small. It was worth a return visit as next time I'll order a side of their sauce, because it was fucking good. Average. Not a bargain. Not expensive. If you're in the area it might be worth it.
-Beer-
On tap-
They had a few, but I had trouble seeing what they had because of the shit on top of the display and that it was not facing toward me. I wasn't too worried, because the prices were twice as high as Escape From New York, so I decided to say "Fuck It" to getting a beer at Tribute's. I drank the shit out of water.
Bottled-
I don't recall bottled beer. Perhaps Frank does (Ray) I recall drinking three glasses of water.
-Atmosphere-
Location-
In a cool area of town but in a difficult to find location. It's the kind of place you'd be looking for some drugs or a pay for a fuck. It's worth looking for though, for that amazing crust. (Ray) What Ray said...but with a dirty cunt joke added.
Exterior Atmosphere-
Just a street joint, back alley type, just glass windows and a lit up huge fucking sign (no doubt to draw attention from people walking on 23rd). Nothing too fancy but not shit either. (Ray) Looked classier than Escape from your Dad's Abuse. They advertised their sandwiches out front... I don't pay for sandwiches, I demand them.
Interior Atmosphere-
Nothing great, but clean and neat. Big enough. Had some bar sitting (which Frank and I chose to enjoy) as well as small tables, which didn't look quite big enough to be comfortable for a long stay. Still, not bad. (Ray) Darker, a bit classier atmosphere than Escape from a Mexican Gangbang.
Service-
Good looking chick at the counter offered us friendly and quick service. I have nothing to complain about. She was hot too. Certainly easy on the eyes, but eager to perform her job without the horseshit we experienced at Escape From New York. (Ray) Eager to perform her job............
-Review Notes-
After Escape I was worried about this place. It turned out to not only be better, but worth a return visit. Overall the pizza needs MORE cheese and sauce, at which point I'd have thought it was incredible, but due to that it's dryer than it needs to be and blander than it needs to be. (Ray) Eager to perform her job............................
-OVERALL RATING-
6/10. With more sauce and more cheese I could give this place an 8 or higher without question. The crust was among the best I've had. (Ray) 6/10. Needed some improvements, but has a good base.
Escape From New York 1/5/10
Escape From New York
622 NW 23rd Ave. Portland, OR
January 5th 2009
General Information: A whole in the wall pizza joint in an upper class shopping district of Portland. Serves New York style pizza by the slice. Very often considered the best NY-style pizza in the PDX area. One of those Portlander recommended type of places.
The Story: The first stop on Frank and my slice hopping adventure. We met there at about 5:00pm. I drove out and parked a half a block away on the street. Parking was easy to find, but it was 5pm...
-The Pizza-
1 Slice Of Pepperoni (each)
Crust-
Crust was decent. Nothing to shit over as I'd repeatedly heard. I mean it's about the easiest and most common type of pizza crust. It was the best thing about this pizza though. I wish I had more to say, except it was indeed average as fuck. (Ray) Crust was a typical NY Style crust: soft, a bit chewy, no flavor, thin enough to fold if wanted, BARELY a crisp on the bottom...In fact, there may not have been any crisp.
Sauce-
What sauce? Pizza is supposed to have sauce? These fuckers don't seem to think so. There was just enough to turn the crust under the cheese (the fact that I could SEE this fact is another bad sign) a very very light shade of red. I couldn't taste the sauce much. The bites I did have were satisfying, but there just wasn't enough sauce over 90% of the slice to be able to tell if it was any good. (Ray) Literally the thinnest coating of sauce I have ever seen. It's unfortunate that there was not more...Perhaps the flavor would have been much better, but I wouldn't know, because there wasn't enough to add to the pizza's flavor spectrum. We're talking LIGHT sauce. Let's say you're on your sixth jizz of the night. That amount of sauce...at best.
Toppings-
3... count them.. 1, 2, 3 small slices of pepperoni on my average sized slice of pizza. THREE. I mean overdoing it is one thing, but FUCK i felt ripped the fuck right off. 3 fucking slices. It was so shitty that I was worried we'd run into this more as we hopped around Portland looking for a good slice of pizza. (Ray) Unfuckingbelievably lacking toppings. The quality of the pepperoni was average. Nothing special, but not awful. Like a two-jews-walks-into-a-bar joke... boring and lacking content.
Cheese-
There was a decent enough amount of cheese. If the rest of the toppings and sauce had been equal it would have been ideal. However, the cheese was garbage. Bland taste that added nothing to the pizza. It wasn't even stringy as I ate it. It reminded my of the cooch of a grandmother, a lot of cheese, but dry as FUCK. (Ray) We asked for fresh slices and were lucky enough to get a couple straight from a fresh pie, yet the cheese was the consistency of cheese on a pie that's been sitting out too long. You know when a piece of pizza's come down to room temp, and the cheese isn't stringy, but solid? It was this.. except fresh. It felt like eating left over toilet paper out of...as Ray made clear... a grandmother's cooch.
Overall taste-
Bland as hell. Little taste in the cheese, not enough toppings to feed a mouse and fucking barely any sauce. I cum (the classic 10cc) more than this had sauce. I've had worse slices (I'm looking at YOU Hot Lips) from local joints (believe me, if it ain't a pizza joint and it has pizza, it's worse than this), but this is down near the bottom no question. This was put to the test on this day too. (Ray) This could have been the worst pizza I've had in Portland. It was unbelievably dry, bland, with quality reminiscent of a dead Kenyan's lay. I would have rather had almost any chain-pizza instead. I'm not fucking kidding.
Value-
$3.25 for a slice, which I felt was pretty expensive for a slice of pizza that probably cost $.10 to make. Cheap product, expensive for what I got. I won't go back. (Ray) I'm pissed I gave this joint money.
-Beer-
On tap-
None that I saw. (Ray) Zero.
Bottled-
A great selection of some imports and micro brew. FUCK, if you are in the area and want BEER but don't feel like pizza, this is actually a fantastic option. I got a pint bottle of Iron City Beer and it cost me only $2. You can rarely beat that price in Portland. Props to this place for that. (Ray) I wouldn't want to sit and drink beer in a place with such low quality food. The smell of the pizza wasn't even good. The odor was most similar to stale dough. Fuck their beer.
-Atmosphere-
Location-
In a cool area of town that a lot of people live in and shop at, particularly elitist fucking urbanites. They'd love this shit because they've lost their taste buds from gargling on semen. (Ray) Actually, the saltiness of the semen probably adds to the flavor of such a bland dog shit pizza slice. It's no wonder this place stays in business.
Exterior Atmosphere-
Just a street shop in a major city. Cool place from the outside actually, simple and urban. Can't complain really, nothing special, but far cooler than most pizza joints. Felt like a real NYC Pizza experience in this way. (Ray) Small, tucked away, selling slices. NY style.
Interior Atmosphere-
Same as above. Little seating and it is all bar seating. Not bad though, a pretty authentic atmosphere. Dirty though. (Ray) Filthier than a maggot's cock. Nothing catches your eye, except for your immediate hate for the place.
Service-
I was treated like shit by the first guy, what a fucking asshole. Trying to be funny? What kind of shit is that? Fuck that. The girl working there was nice enough, pleasant. Bunch of hippie ass hipsters though. That's not a bad thing though, but they certainly put off the impression that they were better than everybody else. If you want a friendly pizza experience, avoid this place like the plague. They did get me my pizza quick though. (Ray) I didn't get any shit from anyone while I was there. I had heard that the employees can quickly turn into gaping cunts, but I didn't see it. I mostly hated them for their shitty business.
-Review Notes-
The first in the hop, very disappointed. I had heard so much about this place, some true (the workers being assholes), some completely horseshit (the pizza being tasty, there was no fucking flavor). Regardless I'd say it was just below average as a whole. Beer was cheap made up for it. (Ray) A bummer first place to review. Will not waste my time going back. Don't even try it to see for yourself...seriously, just trust my judgement on this.
-OVERALL RATING-
4/10. Not worth making a trip for, if you're in the area, just go to Tribute's. (Ray) 2/10 Fuck overrated places to the core. It won't go out of business, but I'd smile if it did.
622 NW 23rd Ave. Portland, OR
January 5th 2009
General Information: A whole in the wall pizza joint in an upper class shopping district of Portland. Serves New York style pizza by the slice. Very often considered the best NY-style pizza in the PDX area. One of those Portlander recommended type of places.
The Story: The first stop on Frank and my slice hopping adventure. We met there at about 5:00pm. I drove out and parked a half a block away on the street. Parking was easy to find, but it was 5pm...
-The Pizza-
1 Slice Of Pepperoni (each)
Crust-
Crust was decent. Nothing to shit over as I'd repeatedly heard. I mean it's about the easiest and most common type of pizza crust. It was the best thing about this pizza though. I wish I had more to say, except it was indeed average as fuck. (Ray) Crust was a typical NY Style crust: soft, a bit chewy, no flavor, thin enough to fold if wanted, BARELY a crisp on the bottom...In fact, there may not have been any crisp.
Sauce-
What sauce? Pizza is supposed to have sauce? These fuckers don't seem to think so. There was just enough to turn the crust under the cheese (the fact that I could SEE this fact is another bad sign) a very very light shade of red. I couldn't taste the sauce much. The bites I did have were satisfying, but there just wasn't enough sauce over 90% of the slice to be able to tell if it was any good. (Ray) Literally the thinnest coating of sauce I have ever seen. It's unfortunate that there was not more...Perhaps the flavor would have been much better, but I wouldn't know, because there wasn't enough to add to the pizza's flavor spectrum. We're talking LIGHT sauce. Let's say you're on your sixth jizz of the night. That amount of sauce...at best.
Toppings-
3... count them.. 1, 2, 3 small slices of pepperoni on my average sized slice of pizza. THREE. I mean overdoing it is one thing, but FUCK i felt ripped the fuck right off. 3 fucking slices. It was so shitty that I was worried we'd run into this more as we hopped around Portland looking for a good slice of pizza. (Ray) Unfuckingbelievably lacking toppings. The quality of the pepperoni was average. Nothing special, but not awful. Like a two-jews-walks-into-a-bar joke... boring and lacking content.
Cheese-
There was a decent enough amount of cheese. If the rest of the toppings and sauce had been equal it would have been ideal. However, the cheese was garbage. Bland taste that added nothing to the pizza. It wasn't even stringy as I ate it. It reminded my of the cooch of a grandmother, a lot of cheese, but dry as FUCK. (Ray) We asked for fresh slices and were lucky enough to get a couple straight from a fresh pie, yet the cheese was the consistency of cheese on a pie that's been sitting out too long. You know when a piece of pizza's come down to room temp, and the cheese isn't stringy, but solid? It was this.. except fresh. It felt like eating left over toilet paper out of...as Ray made clear... a grandmother's cooch.
Overall taste-
Bland as hell. Little taste in the cheese, not enough toppings to feed a mouse and fucking barely any sauce. I cum (the classic 10cc) more than this had sauce. I've had worse slices (I'm looking at YOU Hot Lips) from local joints (believe me, if it ain't a pizza joint and it has pizza, it's worse than this), but this is down near the bottom no question. This was put to the test on this day too. (Ray) This could have been the worst pizza I've had in Portland. It was unbelievably dry, bland, with quality reminiscent of a dead Kenyan's lay. I would have rather had almost any chain-pizza instead. I'm not fucking kidding.
Value-
$3.25 for a slice, which I felt was pretty expensive for a slice of pizza that probably cost $.10 to make. Cheap product, expensive for what I got. I won't go back. (Ray) I'm pissed I gave this joint money.
-Beer-
On tap-
None that I saw. (Ray) Zero.
Bottled-
A great selection of some imports and micro brew. FUCK, if you are in the area and want BEER but don't feel like pizza, this is actually a fantastic option. I got a pint bottle of Iron City Beer and it cost me only $2. You can rarely beat that price in Portland. Props to this place for that. (Ray) I wouldn't want to sit and drink beer in a place with such low quality food. The smell of the pizza wasn't even good. The odor was most similar to stale dough. Fuck their beer.
-Atmosphere-
Location-
In a cool area of town that a lot of people live in and shop at, particularly elitist fucking urbanites. They'd love this shit because they've lost their taste buds from gargling on semen. (Ray) Actually, the saltiness of the semen probably adds to the flavor of such a bland dog shit pizza slice. It's no wonder this place stays in business.
Exterior Atmosphere-
Just a street shop in a major city. Cool place from the outside actually, simple and urban. Can't complain really, nothing special, but far cooler than most pizza joints. Felt like a real NYC Pizza experience in this way. (Ray) Small, tucked away, selling slices. NY style.
Interior Atmosphere-
Same as above. Little seating and it is all bar seating. Not bad though, a pretty authentic atmosphere. Dirty though. (Ray) Filthier than a maggot's cock. Nothing catches your eye, except for your immediate hate for the place.
Service-
I was treated like shit by the first guy, what a fucking asshole. Trying to be funny? What kind of shit is that? Fuck that. The girl working there was nice enough, pleasant. Bunch of hippie ass hipsters though. That's not a bad thing though, but they certainly put off the impression that they were better than everybody else. If you want a friendly pizza experience, avoid this place like the plague. They did get me my pizza quick though. (Ray) I didn't get any shit from anyone while I was there. I had heard that the employees can quickly turn into gaping cunts, but I didn't see it. I mostly hated them for their shitty business.
-Review Notes-
The first in the hop, very disappointed. I had heard so much about this place, some true (the workers being assholes), some completely horseshit (the pizza being tasty, there was no fucking flavor). Regardless I'd say it was just below average as a whole. Beer was cheap made up for it. (Ray) A bummer first place to review. Will not waste my time going back. Don't even try it to see for yourself...seriously, just trust my judgement on this.
-OVERALL RATING-
4/10. Not worth making a trip for, if you're in the area, just go to Tribute's. (Ray) 2/10 Fuck overrated places to the core. It won't go out of business, but I'd smile if it did.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Little Caesars 1/3/10
Little Caesars
On some side street behind a Subway on SE 164th in Vancouver, WA, just south of Mill Plain.
January 3rd 2009
General Information: Little Caesars is a national chain famed for being a fast food pizza take out joint.
The Story: After seeing Sherlock Holmes with my woman, I wanted some pizza. Didn't have much money and Little Caesars is cheap as fuck.
-The Pizza-
1 Large Pepperoni
Crust-
Just crust. Nothing to shit about to be sure. soft crust, spongy, better than a lot of so called "good" pizza places according to some. It ain't trendy but it works.
Sauce-
Little Caesar's has a tremendous sauce. It's full of flavor and nice and thick but not pasty. HOWEVER, they put hardly any of it on, which is why ordering an extra side of sauce is essential for dipping if you can't order extra sauce.
Toppings-
Pepperoni was bland as FUUUUUUUUUCK, you can hardly taste it. There was about 15-20 slices on my large pizza.
Cheese-
Here is my biggest beef. FUCK, there just wasn't enough cheese on this fucking pizza. You know there is a problem with a pizza when you can see bread through the cheese and the sauce.
Overall taste-
It wasn't bad. bland as fuck though. The crust was good enough and dipping the pizza in the sauce helped it tremendously. I'd have been smarter if I'd just ordered the Crazy Bread and Crazy Sauce instead of the pizza, which is less than half the price.
Value-
$6.22 after tax for the pizza and the sauce. Just about right for what I got. In a bind, wanting pizza but broke as shit it satisfied my need. Wasn't anything to shit about even with the price.
-Beer-
On tap-
None... BOOOO!
Bottled-
None... Fuck this place! Why can't I have beer to go!?
-Atmosphere-
Location-
Awful. Difficult to find, strip mall, far from a freeway, though why the hell would you travel for this pizza anyway?
Exterior Atmosphere-
A damn strip mall. Garbage looking one all perpendicular to the street too.
Interior Atmosphere-
Horrible place. Just stale as fuck. It's a carry out joint though. Could they not at least make the 8 minutes I spent there decent?
Service-
I lied. I said that my real problem was the cheese. FUCK THAT! The service was terrible. First of all, the pizza is supposed to be ready and hot when I walk in. They were out of ALL pizzas and had NONE in the oven. NONE. So I had to wait for 10 minutes for a pizza at a place that is supposed to take SECONDS to get. Not only that, the people in the back were moving SLOW AS FUCKING FUCK! FUCK! FUCK this particular Little Caesars.
-Review Notes-
Overall a pretty bad experience in just about every way. I know LC is capable of better service which would put this up at a 3 or 4. However, waiting 10 minutes for what I got is horseshit.
-OVERALL RATING-
1/10. Not good in any way but bread and sauce, which is what I should have ordered.
Ray
On some side street behind a Subway on SE 164th in Vancouver, WA, just south of Mill Plain.
January 3rd 2009
General Information: Little Caesars is a national chain famed for being a fast food pizza take out joint.
The Story: After seeing Sherlock Holmes with my woman, I wanted some pizza. Didn't have much money and Little Caesars is cheap as fuck.
-The Pizza-
1 Large Pepperoni
Crust-
Just crust. Nothing to shit about to be sure. soft crust, spongy, better than a lot of so called "good" pizza places according to some. It ain't trendy but it works.
Sauce-
Little Caesar's has a tremendous sauce. It's full of flavor and nice and thick but not pasty. HOWEVER, they put hardly any of it on, which is why ordering an extra side of sauce is essential for dipping if you can't order extra sauce.
Toppings-
Pepperoni was bland as FUUUUUUUUUCK, you can hardly taste it. There was about 15-20 slices on my large pizza.
Cheese-
Here is my biggest beef. FUCK, there just wasn't enough cheese on this fucking pizza. You know there is a problem with a pizza when you can see bread through the cheese and the sauce.
Overall taste-
It wasn't bad. bland as fuck though. The crust was good enough and dipping the pizza in the sauce helped it tremendously. I'd have been smarter if I'd just ordered the Crazy Bread and Crazy Sauce instead of the pizza, which is less than half the price.
Value-
$6.22 after tax for the pizza and the sauce. Just about right for what I got. In a bind, wanting pizza but broke as shit it satisfied my need. Wasn't anything to shit about even with the price.
-Beer-
On tap-
None... BOOOO!
Bottled-
None... Fuck this place! Why can't I have beer to go!?
-Atmosphere-
Location-
Awful. Difficult to find, strip mall, far from a freeway, though why the hell would you travel for this pizza anyway?
Exterior Atmosphere-
A damn strip mall. Garbage looking one all perpendicular to the street too.
Interior Atmosphere-
Horrible place. Just stale as fuck. It's a carry out joint though. Could they not at least make the 8 minutes I spent there decent?
Service-
I lied. I said that my real problem was the cheese. FUCK THAT! The service was terrible. First of all, the pizza is supposed to be ready and hot when I walk in. They were out of ALL pizzas and had NONE in the oven. NONE. So I had to wait for 10 minutes for a pizza at a place that is supposed to take SECONDS to get. Not only that, the people in the back were moving SLOW AS FUCKING FUCK! FUCK! FUCK this particular Little Caesars.
-Review Notes-
Overall a pretty bad experience in just about every way. I know LC is capable of better service which would put this up at a 3 or 4. However, waiting 10 minutes for what I got is horseshit.
-OVERALL RATING-
1/10. Not good in any way but bread and sauce, which is what I should have ordered.
Ray
NYC Pizzeria 12/29/09
NYC Pizzeria
On Chkalov, just south of Mill Plain Blvd, just east of I-205. Vancouver, WA
December 29th 2009
General Information: NYC Pizzeria is a single pizza restaurant owned by a guy who may or may not be GREEK AS FUCK! It's in a classic Vancouver building (meaning a strip mall). NYC Pizzeria is located immediately off of the Mill Plain exit of I-205 in Vancouver, WA (Chkalov Dr.). It started out as “Aldo’s Pizza” and was run by an extremely nice couple (I remember the lady as a down-to-earth middle-aged Italian woman), and I (Frank Booth) have been eating at this place since it opened up. A few years back the owners of Aldo’s sold the place and the recipe to some Greek (I’m guessing) folks. The pizza recipe is exactly the same, or extremely similar. They serveNew York
The Story: Frank and I had just finished a shit ton of food at the fantastic Muchas Gracias. I ordered a steak fajita burrito and a fish taco. Frank ordered the same + an additional fish taco. We were both full as fuck, but started talking about NYC Pizza. We decided to go and stuff ourselves even further. It was a genius plan.
-The Pizza-
1 Small Pepperoni w/ extra sauce
Crust-
NYC style crust, meaning thin as a crack addict but not that awful shitty flimsy horseshit. It had a good flavor, but allowed the rest of the taste to shine. It was certainly quality. (Ray) The outer crust is fantastic. Soft and chewy, but not the left over gum in a dead hooker's twat kind of chew. The consistency is great, the flavor is bready, but mild, leaving a perfect halo around the rest of the pizza. The inner crust soaks up all the mother fucking GREASSEEE like a Chinese bush. Fucking FLAVOR.
Sauce-
Mild as hell and thin, but it had a good flavor that complimented the thin crust. We were wise and ordered extra sauce which worked out tremendously. The taste of the sauce was more tomato and less herbs, but not in a bad pasty way, as can typically happen when you go the mild route. I wouldn't say it is their best attribute, but it was still quite good. (Ray) Sauce is quality. We got extra, per usual. I'm not sure how this sauce would do on its own, say, with some cheesesticks, etc... But what makes it and this pie so fucking delicious is the overall blend. All of the ingredients going into the pies at NYC Pizzeria are quality and FRESH. The sauce has a fresh, tomatoey flavor throughout it, slightly seasoned, but not too herby. Melds together with the melting cheese and grease sopped crust like an Arab in a sandstorm.
Toppings-
The pepperoni was top notch. Some of the best pepperoni I've had. It reminded me of the pepperoni American Dream in Portland uses. I don't know if they are the same, but they are both fantastic. It wasn't overbearing, it worked well within the full flavor of the pizza, not standing out too much. (Ray) Ray said it. Top fucking notch. I think the quality of the pepperoni specifically is actually a bit better than American Dream (though I love Am Dream). Again, fresh flavors, not stale horse cooch flavors. Mild in hotness but fucking outstanding in spice-level.
Cheese-
This is where NYC really shines. Their cheese was fantastic. Just a mozz, but high quality I'm certain. It's the kind where you get a long string with every bite. Flavor was perfect. It really brought the whole taste of the pizza up to another level. (Ray) Fresh, flavorful, and plenty of it. Not over cheesed like some places with shit quality do to cover up the mess. It's stringy, but TENDER. When you bite through it, it almost melts in your mouth.
Overall taste-
This pizza represented what I would call BALANCE in a pizza. Nothing stood out in flavor above anything else. Everything complimented each other very well and was flavorful enough to please but mild enough to not feel like I was eating a few pounds of meat. (Ray) A blend of fresh, quality ingredients in what is one of the best pure flavors in a pizza that I have experienced.
Value-
$10.25 for a small pepperoni with extra sauce. It was enormous, but it was about the size you'd expect from a small pizza. However, for the flavor and that it was a decent amount of pizza, it was well worth the money. Save your stripper tipping cash and make the trip to NYC, it's a much better value than blowing $10 looking at pussy you'll never get. (Ray) Average price if you're comparing, but because of the quality, it easily makes it worth it.
-Beer-
On tap-
3 beers. THREE FUCKING BEERS. Drop Top, Widmer Hef and I think it was Coors Light. Incredibly unimpressive if you live and eat in the Portland Area. (Ray) They basically have no room for tapped beers, but somehow fit in three of them. I suppose it's a fuck of a lot better than no beer on tap.
Bottled-
I think there were 6 or 7 beers. Your typical boring domestic shit, plus Kingfisher, which I've never had. The Kingfisher is the only thing that saved this from being one of the worst beer selections I've seen at a Portland Metro pizza joint. Oh, they also had Heineken. In recognition of Frank, FUCK THAT SHIT!! WHERE THE FUCK WAS THE PABST BLUE RIBBON!? (Ray) Not a fucking happy hour deal or anything. Go for the pizza, not the beer.
-Atmosphere-
Location-
Easy to get to if you have the street name. Right off the freeway, not too far from one of Vancouver's major thoroughfares. The place can is certainly not in the most economical spot, which is a fucking shame, because I'd like to see them do more business.
Exterior Atmosphere-
A strip mall, and one of the least impressive ones you'll find. Doesn't really matter though, because the pizza makes up for it. (Ray) What Ray said.
Interior Atmosphere-
The ONLY thing good about the inside of this restaurant is the wonderful gyro meat spinning in the kitchen. Makes you hungry as hell. Otherwise it looks like one of those cheap ass, atmosphere free teriyaki places you see everywhere. Just tables and chairs, nothing to separate it from a high school cafeteria. (Ray) Very clean, very dull, very white. Some pictures of Italy on the walls, and a TV. Maybe 20 small tables at the most...I'd guess 10-15.
Service-
FANTASTIC. The food came out fast as you cum on your first fuck. The guy also helped us out a little bit with the price. I was impressed by this. Just a quality experience. (Ray) By little bit he means a quarter... but it was still from his tip money.
-Review Notes-
Overall a great experience. Good times, great pizza, and great service. Aside from the beer selection and the atmosphere this is about the best New York Style pizza I've had. (Ray) Absolutely the best NY pizza I've had. Better than the ones I tried in NY (not that I hit even the smallest percentage of them when I was there). It comes out fucking HOT, so be careful. I've burnt the roof of my mouth more times than not on the first bite. You'll want to use a fork for this one, because of the greased up crust, but the flavor is to die for, so it's worth the forking.
-OVERALL RATING-
8/10. A great pizza to have when you just want pizza. No frills, no bullshit, great taste, balance and best of all, relatively inexpensive. I'm not a fan of NY Style, but this is quality. (Ray)
8/10. Fantastic pizza, and the top of my NY style list. I'll have to stop by and try a Gyro sometime, but it will be hard to avoid the pizza.
On Chkalov, just south of Mill Plain Blvd, just east of I-205. Vancouver, WA
December 29th 2009
General Information: NYC Pizzeria is a single pizza restaurant owned by a guy who may or may not be GREEK AS FUCK! It's in a classic Vancouver building (meaning a strip mall). NYC Pizzeria is located immediately off of the Mill Plain exit of I-205 in Vancouver, WA (Chkalov Dr.). It started out as “Aldo’s Pizza” and was run by an extremely nice couple (I remember the lady as a down-to-earth middle-aged Italian woman), and I (Frank Booth) have been eating at this place since it opened up. A few years back the owners of Aldo’s sold the place and the recipe to some Greek (I’m guessing) folks. The pizza recipe is exactly the same, or extremely similar. They serve
The Story: Frank and I had just finished a shit ton of food at the fantastic Muchas Gracias. I ordered a steak fajita burrito and a fish taco. Frank ordered the same + an additional fish taco. We were both full as fuck, but started talking about NYC Pizza. We decided to go and stuff ourselves even further. It was a genius plan.
-The Pizza-
1 Small Pepperoni w/ extra sauce
Crust-
NYC style crust, meaning thin as a crack addict but not that awful shitty flimsy horseshit. It had a good flavor, but allowed the rest of the taste to shine. It was certainly quality. (Ray) The outer crust is fantastic. Soft and chewy, but not the left over gum in a dead hooker's twat kind of chew. The consistency is great, the flavor is bready, but mild, leaving a perfect halo around the rest of the pizza. The inner crust soaks up all the mother fucking GREASSEEE like a Chinese bush. Fucking FLAVOR.
Sauce-
Mild as hell and thin, but it had a good flavor that complimented the thin crust. We were wise and ordered extra sauce which worked out tremendously. The taste of the sauce was more tomato and less herbs, but not in a bad pasty way, as can typically happen when you go the mild route. I wouldn't say it is their best attribute, but it was still quite good. (Ray) Sauce is quality. We got extra, per usual. I'm not sure how this sauce would do on its own, say, with some cheesesticks, etc... But what makes it and this pie so fucking delicious is the overall blend. All of the ingredients going into the pies at NYC Pizzeria are quality and FRESH. The sauce has a fresh, tomatoey flavor throughout it, slightly seasoned, but not too herby. Melds together with the melting cheese and grease sopped crust like an Arab in a sandstorm.
Toppings-
The pepperoni was top notch. Some of the best pepperoni I've had. It reminded me of the pepperoni American Dream in Portland uses. I don't know if they are the same, but they are both fantastic. It wasn't overbearing, it worked well within the full flavor of the pizza, not standing out too much. (Ray) Ray said it. Top fucking notch. I think the quality of the pepperoni specifically is actually a bit better than American Dream (though I love Am Dream). Again, fresh flavors, not stale horse cooch flavors. Mild in hotness but fucking outstanding in spice-level.
Cheese-
This is where NYC really shines. Their cheese was fantastic. Just a mozz, but high quality I'm certain. It's the kind where you get a long string with every bite. Flavor was perfect. It really brought the whole taste of the pizza up to another level. (Ray) Fresh, flavorful, and plenty of it. Not over cheesed like some places with shit quality do to cover up the mess. It's stringy, but TENDER. When you bite through it, it almost melts in your mouth.
Overall taste-
This pizza represented what I would call BALANCE in a pizza. Nothing stood out in flavor above anything else. Everything complimented each other very well and was flavorful enough to please but mild enough to not feel like I was eating a few pounds of meat. (Ray) A blend of fresh, quality ingredients in what is one of the best pure flavors in a pizza that I have experienced.
Value-
$10.25 for a small pepperoni with extra sauce. It was enormous, but it was about the size you'd expect from a small pizza. However, for the flavor and that it was a decent amount of pizza, it was well worth the money. Save your stripper tipping cash and make the trip to NYC, it's a much better value than blowing $10 looking at pussy you'll never get. (Ray) Average price if you're comparing, but because of the quality, it easily makes it worth it.
-Beer-
On tap-
3 beers. THREE FUCKING BEERS. Drop Top, Widmer Hef and I think it was Coors Light. Incredibly unimpressive if you live and eat in the Portland Area. (Ray) They basically have no room for tapped beers, but somehow fit in three of them. I suppose it's a fuck of a lot better than no beer on tap.
Bottled-
I think there were 6 or 7 beers. Your typical boring domestic shit, plus Kingfisher, which I've never had. The Kingfisher is the only thing that saved this from being one of the worst beer selections I've seen at a Portland Metro pizza joint. Oh, they also had Heineken. In recognition of Frank, FUCK THAT SHIT!! WHERE THE FUCK WAS THE PABST BLUE RIBBON!? (Ray) Not a fucking happy hour deal or anything. Go for the pizza, not the beer.
-Atmosphere-
Location-
Easy to get to if you have the street name. Right off the freeway, not too far from one of Vancouver's major thoroughfares. The place can is certainly not in the most economical spot, which is a fucking shame, because I'd like to see them do more business.
Exterior Atmosphere-
A strip mall, and one of the least impressive ones you'll find. Doesn't really matter though, because the pizza makes up for it. (Ray) What Ray said.
Interior Atmosphere-
The ONLY thing good about the inside of this restaurant is the wonderful gyro meat spinning in the kitchen. Makes you hungry as hell. Otherwise it looks like one of those cheap ass, atmosphere free teriyaki places you see everywhere. Just tables and chairs, nothing to separate it from a high school cafeteria. (Ray) Very clean, very dull, very white. Some pictures of Italy on the walls, and a TV. Maybe 20 small tables at the most...I'd guess 10-15.
Service-
FANTASTIC. The food came out fast as you cum on your first fuck. The guy also helped us out a little bit with the price. I was impressed by this. Just a quality experience. (Ray) By little bit he means a quarter... but it was still from his tip money.
-Review Notes-
Overall a great experience. Good times, great pizza, and great service. Aside from the beer selection and the atmosphere this is about the best New York Style pizza I've had. (Ray) Absolutely the best NY pizza I've had. Better than the ones I tried in NY (not that I hit even the smallest percentage of them when I was there). It comes out fucking HOT, so be careful. I've burnt the roof of my mouth more times than not on the first bite. You'll want to use a fork for this one, because of the greased up crust, but the flavor is to die for, so it's worth the forking.
-OVERALL RATING-
8/10. A great pizza to have when you just want pizza. No frills, no bullshit, great taste, balance and best of all, relatively inexpensive. I'm not a fan of NY Style, but this is quality. (Ray)
8/10. Fantastic pizza, and the top of my NY style list. I'll have to stop by and try a Gyro sometime, but it will be hard to avoid the pizza.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Alfy's Pizza 12/28/09
December, 2009
General Information: Alfy's is a small chain of twelve pizza joints in the area surrounding the rotting fish carcass cunt of a city known to most as Seattle (Everett, Monroe, Puyallup, etc...). The place is basically marketed as a large-party pizza place, much like Godfather's, with video games, big fucking salad bar, and half-price pizza before 3pm. You can buy bake-the-fucker-at-home pizzas as well.
The Story: Wanted some cheap pizza, so I took advantage of the half price pizza (before 3pm) from Alfy's. A trip over
-The Pizza-
A large pepperoni with extra sauce. The only fucking way to test pizza. A medium two topping was also purchased…but fuck that pizza.
Crust-
Aaaaverrragggeee as fuuuuccckkkk. But not bad. The definition of a "5" rating. Relatively thick inner crust (the crust under the sauce/cheese/toppings, dipshit), matching the half inch of outer crust (the crust surrounding the pizza). Soft/spongy texture in the bread with a firm outer crust layer.
Sauce-
They extra sauced the correct amount. Money. There's an interesting tangy flavor that is satisfying as fuck... but overall it isn't something to shit about. Good taste, good amount, with an average/medium consistency/thickness, but nothing that catches my taste buds any more than a cheap hooker’s pube glitter irritates my eye.
Toppings-
Pepperoni was mild in spice, flavor, and grease, like a slightly overweight Mexican girl’s snatch. Above average as far as chain-pizza goes.
Cheese-
LACKING. I had the impression that they cut back on my cheese to make up the losses from my extra-sauce request. Much of the pie had sauce bursting through the clumps of mozzarella like a squirter with spandex over her cooch. Perhaps the cook thought the pizza was for the anorexic girl working the counter.
Overall taste-
Satisfying.
Value-
Even more satisfying. Around $15 for a large one topping and a medium two topping.
-Beer-
On tap:
I don’t remember.
Bottled:
Everything seemed typical. The Happy Hour prices looked fantastic: Pitchers were 5 or 6 bucks or something.
-Atmosphere-
Location-
Right next to a motel in a shit storm of strip-malls off of Highway 2 (
Exterior Atmosphere-
Motel/Strip Malls
Interior Atmosphere-
One large room with a number of booths and varying sizes of tables. Typical family style “Party Pizza” kind of place. Big circular table full of N64 games and shit. Big banquet room in the back. TVs playing NFL and similar shit up in the corners.
Service-
Great. Called ahead for the order and got the order during the quoted time (15-20 minutes). Girl at the front seemed awfully eager to serve...
-Review Notes-
FANTASTIC before 3pm (when pizza is half-priced). A BUTT FUCK if you go after 3pm and pay the full price. Full prices are typical of a family pizza place or a
-OVERALL RATING-
5/10. I’d give it a 6/10 if the cheese didn’t look like someone had jizzed over some crust and sauce for their third release of the hour. MAYBE a 7/10 if there was more cheese AND the pre-3pm price was all day.
Frank
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