622 NW 23rd Ave. Portland, OR
January 5th 2009
General Information: A whole in the wall pizza joint in an upper class shopping district of Portland. Serves New York style pizza by the slice. Very often considered the best NY-style pizza in the PDX area. One of those Portlander recommended type of places.
The Story: The first stop on Frank and my slice hopping adventure. We met there at about 5:00pm. I drove out and parked a half a block away on the street. Parking was easy to find, but it was 5pm...
-The Pizza-
1 Slice Of Pepperoni (each)
Crust-
Crust was decent. Nothing to shit over as I'd repeatedly heard. I mean it's about the easiest and most common type of pizza crust. It was the best thing about this pizza though. I wish I had more to say, except it was indeed average as fuck. (Ray) Crust was a typical NY Style crust: soft, a bit chewy, no flavor, thin enough to fold if wanted, BARELY a crisp on the bottom...In fact, there may not have been any crisp.
Sauce-
What sauce? Pizza is supposed to have sauce? These fuckers don't seem to think so. There was just enough to turn the crust under the cheese (the fact that I could SEE this fact is another bad sign) a very very light shade of red. I couldn't taste the sauce much. The bites I did have were satisfying, but there just wasn't enough sauce over 90% of the slice to be able to tell if it was any good. (Ray) Literally the thinnest coating of sauce I have ever seen. It's unfortunate that there was not more...Perhaps the flavor would have been much better, but I wouldn't know, because there wasn't enough to add to the pizza's flavor spectrum. We're talking LIGHT sauce. Let's say you're on your sixth jizz of the night. That amount of sauce...at best.
Toppings-
3... count them.. 1, 2, 3 small slices of pepperoni on my average sized slice of pizza. THREE. I mean overdoing it is one thing, but FUCK i felt ripped the fuck right off. 3 fucking slices. It was so shitty that I was worried we'd run into this more as we hopped around Portland looking for a good slice of pizza. (Ray) Unfuckingbelievably lacking toppings. The quality of the pepperoni was average. Nothing special, but not awful. Like a two-jews-walks-into-a-bar joke... boring and lacking content.
Cheese-
There was a decent enough amount of cheese. If the rest of the toppings and sauce had been equal it would have been ideal. However, the cheese was garbage. Bland taste that added nothing to the pizza. It wasn't even stringy as I ate it. It reminded my of the cooch of a grandmother, a lot of cheese, but dry as FUCK. (Ray) We asked for fresh slices and were lucky enough to get a couple straight from a fresh pie, yet the cheese was the consistency of cheese on a pie that's been sitting out too long. You know when a piece of pizza's come down to room temp, and the cheese isn't stringy, but solid? It was this.. except fresh. It felt like eating left over toilet paper out of...as Ray made clear... a grandmother's cooch.
Overall taste-
Bland as hell. Little taste in the cheese, not enough toppings to feed a mouse and fucking barely any sauce. I cum (the classic 10cc) more than this had sauce. I've had worse slices (I'm looking at YOU Hot Lips) from local joints (believe me, if it ain't a pizza joint and it has pizza, it's worse than this), but this is down near the bottom no question. This was put to the test on this day too. (Ray) This could have been the worst pizza I've had in Portland. It was unbelievably dry, bland, with quality reminiscent of a dead Kenyan's lay. I would have rather had almost any chain-pizza instead. I'm not fucking kidding.
Value-
$3.25 for a slice, which I felt was pretty expensive for a slice of pizza that probably cost $.10 to make. Cheap product, expensive for what I got. I won't go back. (Ray) I'm pissed I gave this joint money.
-Beer-
On tap-
None that I saw. (Ray) Zero.
Bottled-
A great selection of some imports and micro brew. FUCK, if you are in the area and want BEER but don't feel like pizza, this is actually a fantastic option. I got a pint bottle of Iron City Beer and it cost me only $2. You can rarely beat that price in Portland. Props to this place for that. (Ray) I wouldn't want to sit and drink beer in a place with such low quality food. The smell of the pizza wasn't even good. The odor was most similar to stale dough. Fuck their beer.
-Atmosphere-
Location-
In a cool area of town that a lot of people live in and shop at, particularly elitist fucking urbanites. They'd love this shit because they've lost their taste buds from gargling on semen. (Ray) Actually, the saltiness of the semen probably adds to the flavor of such a bland dog shit pizza slice. It's no wonder this place stays in business.
Exterior Atmosphere-
Just a street shop in a major city. Cool place from the outside actually, simple and urban. Can't complain really, nothing special, but far cooler than most pizza joints. Felt like a real NYC Pizza experience in this way. (Ray) Small, tucked away, selling slices. NY style.
Interior Atmosphere-
Same as above. Little seating and it is all bar seating. Not bad though, a pretty authentic atmosphere. Dirty though. (Ray) Filthier than a maggot's cock. Nothing catches your eye, except for your immediate hate for the place.
Service-
I was treated like shit by the first guy, what a fucking asshole. Trying to be funny? What kind of shit is that? Fuck that. The girl working there was nice enough, pleasant. Bunch of hippie ass hipsters though. That's not a bad thing though, but they certainly put off the impression that they were better than everybody else. If you want a friendly pizza experience, avoid this place like the plague. They did get me my pizza quick though. (Ray) I didn't get any shit from anyone while I was there. I had heard that the employees can quickly turn into gaping cunts, but I didn't see it. I mostly hated them for their shitty business.
-Review Notes-
The first in the hop, very disappointed. I had heard so much about this place, some true (the workers being assholes), some completely horseshit (the pizza being tasty, there was no fucking flavor). Regardless I'd say it was just below average as a whole. Beer was cheap made up for it. (Ray) A bummer first place to review. Will not waste my time going back. Don't even try it to see for yourself...seriously, just trust my judgement on this.
-OVERALL RATING-
4/10. Not worth making a trip for, if you're in the area, just go to Tribute's. (Ray) 2/10 Fuck overrated places to the core. It won't go out of business, but I'd smile if it did.
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