Alfy's Pizza 12/28/09

Monroe, WA

December, 2009

General Information: Alfy's is a small chain of twelve pizza joints in the area surrounding the rotting fish carcass cunt of a city known to most as Seattle (Everett, Monroe, Puyallup, etc...). The place is basically marketed as a large-party pizza place, much like Godfather's, with video games, big fucking salad bar, and half-price pizza before 3pm. You can buy bake-the-fucker-at-home pizzas as well.

The Story: Wanted some cheap pizza, so I took advantage of the half price pizza (before 3pm) from Alfy's. A trip over Stevens Pass requires driving through the shit pile that is Monroe. As one enters the town, one sees the prison to his right, followed by the High School that sits directly by the prison. I would imagine that if one looked closely enough, one could see Mexican teens crouched down with their pants around their ankles, grimacing in pain as they shit out the kilo of cocaine they are preparing to throw over the fence to dad.

-The Pizza-

A large pepperoni with extra sauce. The only fucking way to test pizza. A medium two topping was also purchased…but fuck that pizza.

Crust-

Aaaaverrragggeee as fuuuuccckkkk. But not bad. The definition of a "5" rating. Relatively thick inner crust (the crust under the sauce/cheese/toppings, dipshit), matching the half inch of outer crust (the crust surrounding the pizza). Soft/spongy texture in the bread with a firm outer crust layer.

Sauce-

They extra sauced the correct amount. Money. There's an interesting tangy flavor that is satisfying as fuck... but overall it isn't something to shit about. Good taste, good amount, with an average/medium consistency/thickness, but nothing that catches my taste buds any more than a cheap hooker’s pube glitter irritates my eye.

Toppings-

Pepperoni was mild in spice, flavor, and grease, like a slightly overweight Mexican girl’s snatch. Above average as far as chain-pizza goes.


Cheese-

LACKING. I had the impression that they cut back on my cheese to make up the losses from my extra-sauce request. Much of the pie had sauce bursting through the clumps of mozzarella like a squirter with spandex over her cooch. Perhaps the cook thought the pizza was for the anorexic girl working the counter.

Overall taste-

Satisfying.

Value-

Even more satisfying. Around $15 for a large one topping and a medium two topping.

-Beer-

On tap:

I don’t remember.

Bottled:

Everything seemed typical. The Happy Hour prices looked fantastic: Pitchers were 5 or 6 bucks or something.

-Atmosphere-

Location-

Right next to a motel in a shit storm of strip-malls off of Highway 2 (Stevens Pass Hwy) in Monroe, WA.

Exterior Atmosphere-

Motel/Strip Malls

Interior Atmosphere-

One large room with a number of booths and varying sizes of tables. Typical family style “Party Pizza” kind of place. Big circular table full of N64 games and shit. Big banquet room in the back. TVs playing NFL and similar shit up in the corners.

Service-

Great. Called ahead for the order and got the order during the quoted time (15-20 minutes). Girl at the front seemed awfully eager to serve...

-Review Notes-

FANTASTIC before 3pm (when pizza is half-priced). A BUTT FUCK if you go after 3pm and pay the full price. Full prices are typical of a family pizza place or a Nevada brothel (overpriced).

-OVERALL RATING-

5/10. I’d give it a 6/10 if the cheese didn’t look like someone had jizzed over some crust and sauce for their third release of the hour. MAYBE a 7/10 if there was more cheese AND the pre-3pm price was all day.

Frank